I would have made a fabulous pharisee.
I like parameters. Rules. Regulations. Law.
It makes me feel comfortable and safe. Do this, go to heaven. Do this, go to Hell. These things are good. These things are bad.
Simplicity.
I don't like messing up and it's harder to make mistakes when you know exactly what is expected of you.
That's why I found it easy to sink into an eating disorder. I LOVED limiting my food choices. It gave me a sense of control. Vegetarianism was a cake walk and when I discovered raw food veganism I was in nirvana. Not only could I eliminate whole food groups, but entire methods of preparing food as well!
So, you see, all those lists in the Bible...the "do's" and the "do not's", are manna to me.
Not that I don't sin. But, even forgiveness is kind of a law to me.
Mess up, ask for forgiveness, move on. It's what I was supposed to do. It was outlined, after all, and I love nothing more than a good outline.
Grace throws a wrench in things.
I almost prefer the law.
I don't understand grace. I don't feel comfortable with it. It leaves too much up to the individual. There is too much wiggle room. No outline. No dictates for behavior.
I know being a Christian is tied up in grace. The whole foundation of my faith is about not getting what I deserve.
Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to be a Christian. I can't wrap my brain around its most basic tenant.
I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about it.
I've struggled with this forever. Maybe it's my thorn.
Another problem I have with this whole concept? My heart is really black. I mean, my actions proclaim to the world that I'm Christian. If you base my salvation on what I do, or rather, what I don't do, I pass with flying colors. Don't get drunk. Check. Don't do drugs. Check. Don't have sex before marriage. Check. Don't watch horror movies. Check. Don't wear string bikini's. Check. (That one is super easy. I'm not sure I want the world to see evidence of two children.)
You hear all the time, it's not what's on the outside that counts. It's what is in the heart. I know that is supposed to comfort those that sport full sleeves of tattoos and the unfortunate effects of a wild youth, but it strikes fear within me. My heart is much less pristine than my outside.
I live in fear of the day I am exposed. I wonder when people will realize how terrible I am.
I know God already knows and I hate to think on it.
Life would be so much easier to bear if I could sacrifice a pigeon and move on.
I know, as a Christian, I can repent and find forgiveness. But, I've already explained my issue with that and I wonder, maybe I don't really believe I'm being forgiven. I go through the motions but it seems almost too easy. I feel like I should suffer for my sins. Like one of those ancient Catholic saints that whipped themselves with leather straps and slept on rocks.
It's disconcerting to realize after thirty years, you really don't understand your faith.
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“I live in fear of the day I am exposed. I wonder when people will realize how terrible I am.” You speak for all of us, Kim. Somehow I believe pastors and teachers have sold a bill of goods we can never pay for. I stated in my last blog that, “Jesus saves, but you must have perfect credit.” We’re told the “good news” of being bought and paid for, but we’re not free according to modern Pharisees. We must earn it or at least conduct ourselves to proper standards.
ReplyDeleteI have always felt that the Jesus I’ve read about in scripture is not the same one I heard taught from the pulpit. If the “good news” were as simple to receive as in scripture we wouldn’t need the mega-churches, colossal fundraisers, and the elitist behavioral criteria.
Your view of tattoos being an unfortunate effect of a wild youth is funny. Can Christians get ink? Can they have dreadlocks? Can they have eating disorders? By following most church’s membership criteria the minutia of inadequacies are the focal point of a believer and a warped perception of self is created. We feel we are terrible because the bar has been set so high mentally that we set ourselves up for failure. People who believe that they themselves are not worthy of any free act, especially if its love wrapped in grace, will view others with disdain and find fault in all they do. I’m guilty of that on a daily basis. Toxic stuff.
Haven't been on in nearly a year but I just saw your comment and I wanted to say I have no issue with people who sport tats! My father's upper body is nearly covered in them and I think I may be maybe one of two people in my family without one. :)
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