When I was a a teenager my favorite book was the dictionary. I loved everything about words. I was passionate about etymology. Every few days I would flip the book open and find a word. Any word. Any length. Any meaning. I didn't care. That word was my "new" word. I used it every moment I could until it became a part of my vocabulary.
That habit did nothing for my popularity (most teenagers don't even know what etymology means, let alone how to pronounce it. Had I been born in my husband's neighborhood I would have sported more than one black eye...) But it instilled in me a deep love for language that manifests itself to this day.
I'm going to share with you my current favorite word.
I've been using this word a lot recently and I think it's an important one for Christians to embrace.
It's a word that seems to have fallen out of favor among the churched.
Authenticity.
I love the sound of it. Say it aloud. Aww (if you're from NY). Then. Tis. Ity.
Lovely.
Authenticity is the quality of being genuine.
Maybe I'm in the minority, but I can't stand to watch TBN. Most of those people drive me crazy. I would try to explain my reasons to Shane, but I was never really able to articulate them.
Saying so-and-so was annoying didn't really cut it.
I finally realized one day that the reason I'd rather watch Barney sing show tunes than watch a Christian network was because most of the hosts didn't seem genuine.
I'm sure their faith was genuine. I'm sure their compassion was genuine. I'm even sure they genuinely believed if you sent them your grocery money God was going to heal you of tuberculosis and help you win a new microwave oven.
But the image they portrayed didn't seem genuine...authentic.
My life is very messy. I accepted Christ when I was four. I've never turned from him, I've never delved deep into the sin culture of Marilyn Manson, pierced my naval or stubbed my toe and cursed without repenting. I've prayed, read my Bible and loved Him. Yet still, sometimes I feel like my world is coming apart at the seams and Christ seems to always be one step out of reach.
I've doubted. I've yearned. I've resisted. I've ignored. I've loved. I've given. I've taken. I've known. I've sought.
I'm tired of Christian ministers who never experience the downs in the ups and downs of life. At least I'm tired of ministers who pretend they don't.
Where are the people like me? Does God just wash His hands of us and consign us to the useless believer's pew? (Or folding chair, depending on your denomination.)
I don't think so.
I think God knew exactly what He was doing when he formed me.
He gave me my mind knowing I was going to question everything and wonder.
He gave me my mouth knowing I was going to open it sometimes without thinking and give my opinion when it wasn't wanted.
He gave me my hands knowing they would very rarely be still.
He gave me my soul knowing the hurts I would endure, the independence I would cultivate and the passion I would display.
He knew me. Even then He loved me. He may not need me, but He wants me and I believe He wants to use me.
Why?
Maybe because I understand the value of being authentic.
Let me share a few things about myself
Sometimes I let Ellie wear the same teal-tipped lace socks three days in a row.
Sometimes I feel the urge to pray and I roll over and go to sleep instead.
Sometimes I pass judgement on mothers who give their babies mountain dew.
Sometimes I stand at my window and allow anxiety to consume me.
I get bored while reading the Bible and will put it aside for a Ted Dekker novel instead.
I've yelled at my kids a few times to the point that my throat hurts and I'm forced to drink lemon-spiked honey water to soothe it.
It's easy for me to trust in the value of high-vitamin cod liver oil as a healing super-food, but hard for me to believe God will heal my thyroid.
When I hear people talk about how "anointed" a minister is I think it's a really nice way of saying they got goosebumps during the sermon.
I'm quick-tempered, opinionated and definitely not a glass half-full sort of girl.
I distrust people until they prove they're trustworthy and I think most everyone has an agenda.
When I was in India I visited an orphanage run by Mother Teresa and held a severely handicapped little boy in my lap. I prayed for him and spent the rest of the visit hoping one of the lice I saw crawling on his head hadn't hopped to mine.I never went back.
Sarcasm is my default response.
I can be a very ugly person. My faith is sometimes shockingly weak.
I'm just Kim. Unworthy, fallible and fully aware of my faults.
Maybe right now you're sitting in your chair, your laptop overheating on your lap and thinking I won't ever make it into full time ministry. Maybe you're right.
But I don't need a golden throne and $300 haircut to prove I'm special.
I don't need to prove I'm special at all because I already know I'm not.
There's freedom in knowing you're not perfect, you can't impress anyone and yet He still thinks you're pretty darn worth it.
Since I can't prove my significance, turn off my humanness and be a perfect Christian I've decided I'm just going to be an authentic one.
Here I am.
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I feel as if I’ve walked into a room where I can sit comfortably. The first blog I read stirred quite a lot within so remember; you invited me to this party.
ReplyDeleteMost of the time, when reading Christian opinions, it’s chalked full of bumper sticker rhetoric, condescending superiority or complaining of a lack of “blessings.” You strike a true cord in the wonderment of “why?” We share so many similarities that I feel exposed to a degree and you’re not alone regarding your opinion of TBN. I become physically ill whenever I see a gold chair.
I appreciate your word “Authenticity” when describing Christianity but mine has always been “Unattainable.” Your sentence, “Christ seems to always be one step out of reach.” hits the nail on the head for me. We have elevated God to such a degree that we will never be able to reach such an unobtainable goal until after death. And, we can only get there if we’ve behaved correctly, performed a sufficient amount of tasks and reached a conversion quota. Not too appealing. How did God become so far out of reach? If ‘the Word became flesh and dwelt among us,’ then why such disconnect that instills more anxt than peace? Is this all part of “The Test” to prove our worthiness? I’m convinced at times that we are chasing wind. It seems God can only be verified as having visited our lowly state by goose bumps you mentioned though we are told that He is pursuing us with rigorous vigor.
There always seems to be one more level to ascend and if the bad behavior (or sin) gets in the way you “backslide” further away from the promised rest which is always has contingency. I have never felt the freedom of being accepted by God that you take comfort in. I must admit I’m jealous and it leads to more feelings of rejection and inadequacies. I think that is why I no longer attend church. There is such a show that must be performed to obtain acceptance within Christ’s community, a cover charge of conformity if you will. Even at social gatherings there are strategic questions to determine if you know the right talking points to qualify as “Christian” I have always felt like an actor who had his lines memorized but missed his cue during the “Grand Play”
You would know this better than I, but I heard that if you ask people in India where God is they point to their chest meaning within. When you ask a Westernized Christian where God is they point to the sky, to the unknown or unreachable place. If God (Jesus) ‘formed all things and holds all things together’ then why do we compartmentalize God to heaven sitting on a throne that we are unworthy to approach? Your opinion of yourself leaves me to doubt whether you really find freedom in God’s opinion of you. I see this repeated in written form when you speak of God as a separate entity bestowing physical attributes and emotions upon you but it’s implied that God is definitely separate.
“I distrust people until they prove they're trustworthy and I think most everyone has an agenda.” I think Reagan said it best, “Trust, but verify.” I have trust issues that need tissues and I really distrust those that pursue Christianity as a career option. The reason for such a statement? I pursued being a minister to validate myself through title and position as being worthy of such a love I was proselytizing. Secretly I believed if God really loved me the way that I told others he loved them then God couldn’t be trusted. A great example of this is Groucho Marx’s statement, “I would never want to belong to a country club that would have me as a member.”
Thanks for writing in such a manner that you feel the Land of Misfit Toys has plenty of room.
You would do well in full time ministry.
I'm glad you joined my party, Don!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should start a blog.
It's a great way of sorting everything out.
I definitely don't have this whole thing figured out and while, in my head I can say God has accepted me, it's certainly much more difficult to internalize the concept.
I've struggled my entire life with low self-esteem and I have trouble believing God doesn't view me the way I view me.
But I can acknowledge that is a problem with me and not Him.
Being a Christian is a culture. Sometimes I think we need to look past that to really find Him.
I asked Ellie the other day where Jesus was and she patted her chest and said, "In my heart, mommy. He's always with me so He can keep me safe from monsters and spiders."
I guess that's why we need to become more like children.
I don't know how those of other cultures understand God is in there and in the West we seem to forget that around puberty.
Maybe it stems from our Puritan roots- hard work, self-reliance, independence. We don't feel we really NEED Him so we look outward to find Him because there is so much of ourselves in our heart. There isn't really any room for Him. I don't know. Maybe we're both wrong and we should invest TBN stock.
Your statement caused me to pause and think. Why, if Christ loves me so much, do I feel He is so unattainable? We know we aren't being judged. We know His blood covers our sins. We know there isn't anything we can do to attain His blessing. What is it? What are we searching for?
I'm a believer. Why isn't that enough for me? I feel like I'm passionately pursuing something I really don't understand and yet I want it desperately. Every night I pray, "Meet with me. Let me know you. I want to be in your presence." It's not happened yet. Everyone tells me to speak in tongues more, read the Bible more, pray more but I'm not sure that's right. Why, when He knows my heart, do I need to do a bunch of things to be in His presence? Do I need to clear up all the sin issues in my life, be pure and upright, basking the an aura of superior Christianity before God meets with me? Why the silence?
I ask the same questions. Perhaps someone else will join in and show us where we're in error.
ReplyDeleteI read an interesting take coming from a Hindu. He said Christians believe God is the final destination and Hindus believe God is where our journey begins. If this is the journey then I want to speak to my travel agent.
Harmony asked me where Jesus lived and I told her in her heart. She grabbed her chest and started crying. It scared the shellac out of her. I had to share that.
LOL. That's funny. It's confusing to Ellie that Jesus lives in her heart AND heaven. That He's so big he can keep her safe, but so small she can't see him. Heck, it's still confusing to me. I don't know about anyone else responding to my blog. I've only told about five people...
ReplyDelete